When we left off from Part 1, the fire hazard hoarder had a kitchen full of extra appliances, random items still in boxes to be sold, no extra money to help pay for the vacations he wanted to take with me, and a bad habit of making plans with his friends but not telling me until the last minute. Why was I continuing to date this guy?? I was in a funk from the previous break up…that’s my only defense when it started. But why did I keep seeing him?
One afternoon he texted me to say we needed to reschedule our plans for that evening because he was going to pick up his custom made snowmobile trailer. Just a little something something for his big boy toy collection to the tune of $8K. Are you thinking what I was thinking??He can buy a trailer for the snowmobile but not help pay for a vacation? Of course there was an argument about it and it was twisted on me yet again, “you were the one wanting to go on vacation” and somehow that obliged me to pay.
If he bought himself an $8,000.00 accouterment for one of his toys, what kind of gifts do you think he bought for me? He once bought me some ear buds….because he had bought some for himself and they were BOGO. I got a carrying case for my computer….because he needed one and it was BOGO. I had asked for some silver hoop earrings once. I got a pair he ordered off the internet for $5 that wouldn’t fasten. Get the idea?
In the meantime the stacks of sales flyers multiplied like rabbits, the extra bedrooms had even had more “stuff” piled in them. The living room had become so cluttered that there was only a path from the front door to the couch, kitchen, or hallway. It was like Bellatrix Lestrange’s vault and the Gemino curse in Harry Potter – everything that was touched multiplied! (Sorry if you aren’t a Harry Potter fan) There was barely room to move, especially in the kitchen with the three extra appliances sitting in the middle of the floor.
I also found that he was storing several 5 gallon jugs full of gasoline for the boat and snowmobile in the garage. This was especially worrisome to me as the garage wasn’t ventilated and thus got rather hot in summer. Also, on the other side of the wall was a room full of papers. This seemed like a recipe for disaster. One little spark and – BOOM!
I knew he had a problem now. I felt bad for him but something needed to be done. My friend, G Money, suggested I read the book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. I told her it wouldn’t help because he was from Uranus. Besides, this went beyond the normal lack of communication between men and women.
I suggested we spend a weekend cleaning up his place. I actually suggested this many times. I didn’t want to stay there at all anymore because it was depressing and most of all, dirty! How could the floor be properly vacuumed? Nothing was dusted. I didn’t even want to think about what creatures had taken residence without him knowing. He would get mad anytime I brought it up and an argument always ensued.
My bestie, Chicago L, couldn’t even stand hearing about it anymore. I was telling her all the facts, saying all the right things and then ignoring them myself and doing all the wrong things.
Things finally came to a head one evening when I had tried to get in touch with him. I had texted, called, etc with no response. When he did finally call me, he was very indignant. I was bothering him while he was out with friends and was basically told as much. Of course, this went over about as well as a turd in a punch bowl. I finally was honest and expressed my feelings about his behavior, his selfishness, his complete lack of responsibility to the relationship much less his own property to which he replied “I think you have an anger management problem”.
How do you respond to that? If you get mad, are you proving their theory correct? That was the line of thinking I went with. I stayed calm and simply said “I think we are done here”. He replied “okay so I’ll talk to you tomorrow. ” My response, “No, not tomorrow, not ever. We are done.” What came out of his mouth next surprised me a little but sealed the deal. He threatened me, “You better think about what you are doing! There’s no going back!” “Good! I don’t want to go back. Goodbye *Hoarder* (insert his real name)!” I hung up.
I was numb. I was sad, but relieved at the same time. Have you ever had one of those moments that you sit there and wonder “what just happened”? However, I didn’t stay idol long. I began researching anger management issues. I was worried. What if he was right? What if I did have a problem? I didn’t feel angry though, except when I was with him. I always thought of myself as a pretty happy person. Maybe I was delusional!
I decided I wanted a professional ruling on this one so I talked to a therapist, Money Grabber. I told him straight up that I was concerned that maybe I had an anger management problem. We went through the inciting event, the relationship, my expectations, etc. In the end he told me I did not have an anger management problem but a reason to be angry. He said he believed I was a co-dependent. I was offended as I didn’t depend on anyone. Then he explained what that meant.
Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Wikipedia
I had been enabling his hoarding. By staying with him and tolerating it, I was enabling him. When I thought back over some of my past relationships that had gone on too long, I saw the same pattern! I tried to fix everyone. The problem is you can’t fix someone who doesn’t think they need fixing. I had been enlightened!
Time Wasted: 3.7 years
Assets: Ear buds, some cool friends
Valuable Lesson: Stop being a co-dependent, stop trying to fix people
Have you been or are you in a relationship where you are always trying to fix someone else’s life? Do you always end up getting blamed somehow? Have you been used and abused and then end up being the one apologizing? If you are answering yes…stop trying to fix the other person and change your own way of thinking.
We all want to be in love. Sometimes we stay in a relationship because it seems better than being alone. Trust me, you won’t find the good stuff until you stop dragging the bad stuff along with you. Stay strong my friends and keep seeking the fairytale….it’s out there.