The Wrongs that lead to Mr. Right – Husband #1, Part 5

As the end of the year has finished up and the new year has begun, I feel that Husband #1 is one of those things that needs to be wrapped up and finished {and thrown in a fire and burned to nothing but ashes!}.

The holidays always bring memories of holidays past.  I have many wonderful memories…and then there are the memories while with FT.  He was usually pretty specific about what he wanted for Christmas, or he would just pick it out for himself.  Usually it was electronics, stereo equipment, or something like that.  I usually got clothes.  Not clothes I asked for.  Not clothes I would typically wear.  I got some outfit that was trendy and TRASHY.  The irony in it was that he would want me to wear these clothes out together…and then, if someone looked at me or talked to me while we were out, we would have a fight for several hours once we were on our way home.  The best way of handling it was to avoid going out, or avoid going out anywhere that the clothing could be deemed appropriate…according to him.

Anyway, back to the story.  When we finished last time, I was at the end of my second year of medical school, essentially separated from FT, I had passed my courses that year and was studying for my first board exam.  I had also decided that divorce was the only option, but I had not told him yet.

For the third and fourth years of medical school (the clinical years – in the hospitals and clinics) I had the option of staying at the main campus where I had spent the first two years, or I could go to the second campus which just so happened to be where FT and I lived.  I chose option two as I figured being in the same city might make things easier for the divorce.

I moved my things back to our home. Knowing that I wanted the divorce made it difficult to stay in the same house with him. That’s when I knew it was time to take action. I sought out an attorney and took a meeting. I explained that we didn’t have much in the way of assets, we had a fair amount of debt together, I was a full time student making no money and financing my education and living expenses via student loans, and most importantly, I knew FT all too well and he would not make the divorce easy.

I chose to have him served the divorce papers on a day that I was on call and would be staying the night at the hospital as I had no idea how he would react. I also went home the next day, while he was at work, to gather what I needed to stay somewhere else. I stayed with a friend who helped me look for a place to live.

After a couple days, FT called me and told me I could stay at the house because “being there reminded him of me too much”. I told him to take a day or two to gather things he needed and then I would return to the house on a certain day. However, the day I returned….there he was. He said he needed just an hour or two to gather some last things. As suspected, this turned into an all night affair ending with him asking to stay the night. When I refused, he commenced firing his arsenal of various tactics.

First was pity – “if I can’t live with you then I don’t want to live at all”. Usually this would be deemed a suicidal threat or cry for help. However, FT loved himself too much to ever kill himself and I knew this. I replied to him, “I know enough now to know I can call 911 and report you as suicidal, they will come and detain you for 72 hours. But if you go ahead and kill yourself it will make the divorce much more simple..so go ahead!”

As this had just been a ploy for pity, he moved on to the next tactic – threats. He threatened to take everything from me and to make my life miserable. I replied, “how would that be any different than the last 9 years of my life? Go ahead! The difference is that I will never have to see you again, and that will be an improvement.”

He skipped any other tactics at that point and jumped straight to anger and trying to start an argument. I told him I had studying to do and if he wasn’t going to be quick and leave then I would. He finally left.

After the papers were served and he left the house my attorney decided to propose a settlement. I told her that he would never settle and it was a waste of time, but she drew up the settlement agreement anyway. As I prepared documents for the settlement, I discovered that FT had been on quite the shopping spree and our credit card debt was over $40,000. My attorney had proposed a very fair settlement which, as expected, was denied.

I had to get a restraining order against him as many evenings he would park at the corner of the street and watch the house. I assume he was seeing if I had any male suitors coming over. I had already changed the locks after he tried to force his way in one day resulting in me calling the police. I slept with a loaded shotgun under my bed and my dog, a Doberman Pinscher, was an excellent watch dog.

The second settlement we proposed was rejected. We were then forced by the courts to go to mediation – where an unbiased negotiator tried to help us reach a settlement agreement. The negotiator took a few moments with each of us and came back to tell me that FT did not want to get divorced and still loved me. This, of course, was not really the case. This was another ploy to delay things. He was up to something but I did not know exactly what. He and his attorney were pushing for a trial, with a jury! He was going to try to play on 13 people’s (12 jury members plus the judge) heart strings being the sad rejected husband who didn’t want a divorce from the “soon-to-be-doctor-wife” (this was how I was referred to in his attorney’s documents -thousands of times). I knew I needed to do my homework before the trial.

I knew the matter of the $40K in credit card debt would come up and how to split it. Both our names were on all but one credit card. In doing my research I found that even if he was ordered to pay a credit card by the courts, if he filed bankruptcy it would just come back to me making the judges orders null. I also discovered that alimony was not dischargeable by bankruptcy. Therefore, in the divorce trial the judge asked me what I wanted done with the $40K in credit card debt. I asked to be responsible for every card that my name was on, but I wished to be granted enough in alimony to pay at least half the payments. This way even if he filed bankruptcy after the divorce he would still have to pay the alimony. As you can imagine this angered him and his attorney immensely! His attorney even asked for a mistrial! The judge denied it.

Also, the reason he wouldn’t settle, besides wanting to stick me with his credit card debt, came to light. He was asking for money from me based on my future earnings….my earnings as a doctor which wouldn’t happen for several more years.

If you’re wondering if that is possible, yes it is! However, the spouse “suing” for future earnings has several points to prove including how they financed the other’s education and how they may have struggled working two jobs or sacrificing things since they were the sole breadwinner. FT couldn’t prove any of this as I had taken out student loans for my education and extra for living expenses.

It also came to light during the trial that when he so graciously gave the house back to me because he just couldn’t bear to be reminded of me….he had moved in to quite a pricey apartment…with his girlfriend! I had no idea he had a girlfriend but had hoped it would make the divorce go faster.

The trial was over (after two full days) and we just had to wait for the judges decision on everything. When we received it, it was quite fair. She did not award him any of my future earnings, she did grant me a decent amount of alimony to cover the credit card payments, and the rest was split equitably. Great! It’s done! Right? Wrong!!!!!

In this state you could appeal a judges decision on a divorce decree. He appealed. His attorney emphasized even more the “soon-to-be-doctor” thing even more. They asked again for my future earnings and refused to pay the alimony. This time there was no trial. In the end the alimony was taken away from me but he wasn’t granted anything of my future earnings. So I got stuck with his $40K of credit card debt plus after multiple settlement write ups, two days of trial, appeal documents, etc I received an attorney bill for $45,000.00.

There were many more little issues and stories through this divorce but I would be writing forever and you would be wondering “when will this ever end?” I had wondered the same at the time. Ultimately, an 11 year relationship (9 of it married) cost me most of my friends, some of my family, 4 extra years finishing college, and $85,000 in expenses just pertaining to the divorce not even including all my student loans, repairs to the house that he had neglected, and a multitude of other things. What I gained, however, is invaluable. I gained my independence, my confidence, my right to do whatever and be whomever I wanted. You can’t put a price on that!

To anyone who feels like they are in a hopeless situation, there is always a way out. It may cost you, but what you gain in the end will be so much better. I’m really proud of the person I’ve become and I truly believe there is a solution to every problem. It may not be easy or fast, but there is always a solution.

Finally!! We are done with husband #1!!! I believe I have some challenges to finish and ….what’s been going on with French Charming? Stay tuned!

XOXO

KKatch