The Wrongs That Led To Mr. Right – Gone in 60 Seconds

After Husband #1 was finally gone, meaning the divorce was final, court documents finalized, I felt okay to date again.  The first relationship after the divorce was with a guy my Aunt and Uncle had known for years.

He was a nice guy.  A little quiet.  Not too tall, but since I’m short that’s never been a problem.  He had medium brown hair, longish, with a beard.  In fact, he kind of looked like Jesus!  He and his dad worked in the welding shop that his dad owned.  They also both raced dragsters (the long cars that race side by side down a straight track) which made him seem a little dangerous and exciting.

Our first date went well, dinner, we had so much to talk about we shut the place down.  He was a true gentleman and walked me to my door….then said goodnight and left.  No kiss, no hug, not even the awkward ass out no body contact hug.  I was confused.  We had totally hit it off at dinner I thought.  I assumed he was being extra respectful because of my uncle.  Either that, or he wasn’t interested.  However he did call me and ask me out again.  The beard had disappeared.  The hair was cut.  He cleaned himself up, not that I was offended before by his appearance.

Fast forward a few weeks, multiple dates….still no kiss.   Halloween – he came to my house and passed out candy with me to the neighborhood kids.  No kiss.  Thanksgiving – he decided to drive us to St. Louis for a Rams vs Patriots game.  This was going to be an overnight date!  He asked if I was comfortable with us sharing a hotel room which I though was very kind.  I said I didn’t mind.  I was wondering if maybe this would finally be where he would make a move.  If not, I was sure he must be gay and just not wanting to admit it yet.  After the game we went to the hotel…it was a room with two beds.  He had carried our bags in, placed mine on one and his on the other.  I decided not to wear anything too sexy to bed as I didn’t know if he had any interest at all and I didn’t want to appear too aggressive.  So I played it safe with a t-shirt and shorts.  When I had come out of the bathroom after washing my face, the lights were out and he was in “his” bed.  Not a word uttered.  It was obvious he had no desire to get us out of the friend zone that night.  The next morning he was already showered and dressed when I woke up.  He told me he would go down to the lobby to give me my privacy getting ready.   It was a quiet drive back home that day.

I considered telling him we shouldn’t go out anymore, but I actually enjoyed his company even just as a friend and there wasn’t anyone else in the picture so…why not just enjoy it until something else came along?  As Christmas approached he came to help me set up and decorate my Christmas tree.  He finally kissed me after we turned on the lights of the tree and turned down the lights of the living room.  He was a good kisser.  Why had he waited so long?  We continued to make out.  Everything was going perfectly, things were heating up, and just when we were about to…….it was “done”.   He was clearly embarrassed.  I was disappointed but tried not to show it.  He apologized.  I told him not to worry as we had been dating for a few months so perhaps there was some performance anxiety.

I didn’t know if I would ever see him again as I knew he was pretty humiliated.  However, he asked me out again.  I figured maybe this was going to be his “come back” (pun intended).  Everything was going along fine.  I was hopeful that it would be a long romantic intimate night.  Just as things got heated, he was the “minuteman” again.  {Cue gameshow music when the contestant loses}  Hmmm, now I understood why he waited sooooo long to even kiss me.

Now, I am in healthcare, and I know that premature ejaculation is a real problem.  Once – performance anxiety, inexperience or too long of a build up.  Twice – perhaps nervousness of a repeat performance or inexperience.  More than that, it’s a problem.  I thought long and hard {pun not intended but let’s go with it} about how to approach the topic.  I didn’t want to emasculate him.  I didn’t want to embarrass him.  However, I also didn’t want to continue to pretend like it wasn’t an issue.  I mean my motor would just be getting warmed up and his was already blown. {Yep again}  I asked him about it.  He said it was because I excited him so much he couldn’t contain himself.  So it’s my fault??  After several more “attempts” we had to have another discussion.   I made suggestions, “pregaming” before we saw each other, extended foreplay, but nothing seemed to help.  Eventually I just started making excuses to avoid sex…”I have a headache”, “I’m too tired tonight”, “I think I’m getting my period”, etc.  It just wasn’t worth it because it ended up being forgasm, I wasn’t satisfied, he was embarrassed, and we would either have an argument or just not speak.

In the meantime, he had started spending some nights out at my house.  I gave him a set of keys because he would sometimes come out to let my dog out and prepare dinner.  My neighbor would let my dog out any other evenings that he wasn’t there.  At first it was kind of nice to have someone home waiting for me.  He was a bit of an OCD clean freak and I noticed each time he was there I had new cleaning products.  Once I came home and he was cleaning where the kitchen sink meets the counter top with a toothpick.  I suppose I tolerated his “shortcomings” {again} because I was coming home to a clean house.  Nevertheless, I had become bored and annoyed and wanted to explore other options, I just hadn’t decided when or how to tell him.

One day, a bunch of my colleagues from medical school and some of the residents were all going out for drinks.  I decided to go too.  Mr. Spontaneous Combustion had called me that day to let me know he would go let my dog out and be waiting for me.  I told him not to go to my house that night because I was going out with friends from work and didn’t know what time I would get home.  My neighbor could let the dog out.  He still insisted on going to my house.  I tried again to tell him not to but he wouldn’t back down. {Too bad he couldn’t stand firm with other things}  I finally just said “okay but don’t wait up for me”.

I got home close to midnight and was a little buzzed.  All the lights were out.  I quietly let myself in, got a glass of water and sat down in the living room to watch a little tv and unwind before going to bed.  The next thing I knew he had come down the hall, turned on the lights, hands on his hips, head tilted a little and he sternly asked “Do you know what time it is?”

“Mom, is that you?” I said and almost laughed as I saw him standing there as little old woman.  He proceeded to go on “I’ve been worried all night!  I haven’t been able to sleep because I’ve been waiting for you!”

This was my opportunity!  “Listen, I told you I was going out.  I told you not to come here tonight but you insisted on coming anyway.  You don’t live here and I can do whatever I want whenever I want without your approval.  There’s the door, I suggest you leave now.”

That was the end of Quick Draw.

Sexual dysfunction is a real thing.  We laugh about it when it doesn’t directly or indirectly affect us.  For the people dealing with it, it isn’t funny.  Seek help!  There can be either a psychologic or physiologic component or both.  If you or someone you know is dealing with some form of sexual dysfunction, see a doctor.  There may be something that can help and make life more enjoyable.

Til next time…

XOXO

KK