Klepto Kitty

Anyone and everyone who has ever had a pet knows they have distinct personalities, quirks, and unexplained behaviors.

My first pet, while married to F**ktard ie Husband #1, was an adorable Russian blue cat we named Alex.  As a kitten he was just this cute ball of fluffy grey fur with bright blue eyes. 

He did all the normal cat things that cats do.  He played with toys, he lounged in the sun.  He wasn’t an overly affectionate cat meaning he really didn’t care to come and snuggle or be petted.  In fact, his favorite place was on the back of the couch.  I would call out to him, “Alex!” and he would open one eye and respond with a half-meow that strangely would make you think he was saying “what?”.

He was very neat and clean with regards to the litter box.  If the box was a little too full, ie dirty, for his liking he would balance on the edge, hanging his backside over the litter and do his business.

He didn’t make much noise.  He didn’t scratch up furniture.  He was just a cool, chill cat.  However, we eventually realized he had some “issues”.   Alex was probably about 2 years old when we discovered he had a rather strange obsession.

My parents had come to visit and stay the night. My dad had left the contents of his pockets on the coffee table overnight, his wallet, some cash and coins, a receipt, his medicine, etc.  The next morning we were preparing to go out for breakfast and my dad called to my mother asking what she did with the money he left on the table.  His wallet, medicine, the receipt, the coins, etc were all there.  Just the bills were missing.  “I didn’t do anything with your money!” my mother responded.

For a moment the thought did pass through my mind that maybe F**ktard stole it.  Yes, I already knew he was a loser at that point.  However, F**ktard was believably helping my dad look for the money.  I thought maybe the ceiling fan had blown it off the table so I got on my hands and knees and started looking around the floor underneath furniture. As I looked under the corner of the couch I was dumbfounded!  There was a PILE of money!  All bills, no change.  There were 20’s, 10’s, 5’s, and 1’s.   I asked my dad how much money he had.  “I had a 20, a 5, and a couple 1’s”.  I moved the couch to expose the pile of money.   There was close to 100 dollars all combined.  We all stood there silent for a moment.  I was trying to get a grasp on the idea that my cat was a thief.  A money grubbing dollar bill thief!  Of course we all had a good laugh, my dad got his cash back, and we had a little unknown windfall to pay for breakfast.

Fast forward about six months, F**ktard and I were moving from that apartment to a house.  We didn’t want to worry about the cat escaping as we were loading and unloading things so we took Alex to my parents to stay for a week or so while we finished moving.

My mother had a crystal bowl on her coffee table that served as a kind of catch-all for bills, receipts, school notes for my younger brother, etc.   One night I was talking to my mom, and she stopped mid-sentence to yell at Alex.   She put the phone down, I could hear her getting on to him and then she came back.  “What was he doing?” I asked.  She said he was stealing from the bowl on the table.  “What did he steal?”  “A check!”  He didn’t touch any of the other papers that were also casually tossed in the bowl.  He only took the check!  Maybe he was some kind of loan shark in another life.

A few days later my mother called. “Your damn cat!!!” she exclaimed. “What??” What did he do now?” I asked.

“He shit on the Bible!”

Now, this was not any ordinary bible. Someone had given her one of those huge display bibles. My mother is not a very religious person, but when someone gives you a big bible you keep it because it has to be blasphemy or an unforgivable sin to throw one away. So this huge Bible was on display in our front “formal” (ie no one ever uses) living room.

“So pick it up with a paper towel and flush it. And then turn the Bible to a different page.”

“I can’t, ” she said exasperatedly “it was diarrhea!”

I couldn’t help but laugh. I laughed at the thought of her finding this little present. I laughed at the thought of my cat squatting on the Bible (though I prayed for forgiveness). I couldn’t imagine why he would even do this as he was always so good about using the litter box. However, the litter box was in the bathroom….so, if the bathroom was occupied and he had to go (which he obviously had an upset stomach or some kind of GI distress) he just had to go! At least he was thoughtful enough to find something that was “paper” to poop on! Cats don’t read, do they?? “Out of curiosity, what page did you have the Bible opened to?” I asked.

“First Corinthians- Love is patient, love is kind…” she responded. I broke out in laughter all over again. Maybe my cat knew better than me that my marriage to F**ktard was “crap”!

Sadly, my mom had to throw the Bible out. There was no way to get rid of the smell.

Besides being a thief and blasphemous, Alex had a kind, caring side to him too. My mother’s cat was pregnant during the time Alex was visiting. VERY PREGNANT!

One day, my mother was in the bathroom getting dressed, door open as she was the only one home. Something moved past the doorway and caught her eye. As she looked down the hallway she saw her pregnant cat walking slowly towards one of the bedrooms with Alex straddled over her back walking with her. At first she thought he was trying to mount her and was about to pull him away. With further observation she realized he was sort of protecting her as she walked. She went into my old closet, he went with her, and she delivered her kittens with him sitting alongside her the entire time. My mother said it was very bizarre.

Not long after, we brought Alex back home, to the new house. He no longer stole money. I had no books of any kind on display to test his preferred spot for relieving himself. He actually seemed even more chill than before which I didn’t even believe was possible.

Perhaps he had a “come to Jesus” moment and repented for his sins. However, I think he rather paid for his sins because he had to live with F**ktard alone while I was away at medical school. Poor kitty.

What kind of bizarre behaviors have your pets exhibited?? I would love to hear your pet stories.

XOXO

KKatch