What is success? How do you achieve success? What happens once you do achieve success? Can your idea of success change? Can you make changes in order to achieve success?
I thought I knew what success was. It was going to medical school followed by residency. Getting a job and becoming a partner seemed like the final steps. To me, it felt like climbing a mountain expecting to have the most spectacular view ever but reaching the summit to find it was just a flat nothingness.
When I took my job in Las Vegas I thought I was reaching my summit of success. The opportunities that began appearing seemed to be all the things I associated with a successful career. I mean, come on, after dropping out of college, going to night school, commuting to a four-year university, medical school, divorce during medical school, and all the other sacrifices, is it enough to just go to work and go home every day? Of course not!! All of us who are Type As, overachievers, etc, must constantly be challenged to do more, right? At least, that’s what I thought. I got involved in committees, that is with an “S”….not just one, more like 3! I was involved with making monthly schedules, approving (or rejecting) vacation requests, monthly meetings for each committee, emails, and text threads. I was still working my regular full time job plus being responsible for all the other things during my “free” time. I was feeling so important with my deadlines, and meetings, and titles.
Success and Love
What did my new involvement with work do to my relationship? At first, it did nothing. French Charming was supportive. He started spending more time coming to see me in the US rather than me going to France to be with him. He was understanding when I couldn’t come to bed until I had worked on a schedule, or approved a block of vacation requests. He would prepare dinner and save some for me for whenever I came home. He took care of all the little things I never had time to do. When I did go to France, he didn’t complain when I set my alarm for 2am to get up and join a meeting via zoom. It started slowly during my second year there and ramped up over the next couple years. During this same time I had started taking ballroom dance lessons. At least, I did realize that doing something for “me” was important. Dancing was such an escape from medicine! There was music, concentration on controlling my body not someone else’s, and no phone! I had gotten so involved with the dancing that I took lessons two to three times per week! Or maybe, I was really trying to escape my other world of medicine. Between taking call, dance lessons, and going to meetings, I hadn’t even realized how much I was never home!
What does it take to change your path?
It usually takes an “AHA moment” to get the insight or clarity needed to see that some situations may not be the healthiest. My guess is there are probably more than one of those moments but we don’t recognize them or we choose to ignore them, the same way we don’t hear our friends or family when they try to help us. Maybe we mistake those moments as signs that we need to work harder!
Looking back, I had an event that should have been an “AHA moment”. I have two cats, male and female sibling Maine Coons. They are my “Covid Kitties”. My male started pooping outside the litter box. First time was on my ottoman. I had just moved into my house in Vegas so I thought maybe it was a “I’m not happy we moved” sort of thing. Fast forward a couple more weeks, he pooped just beside the litter box. I deep cleaned the box, tried a different litter, made sure nothing was around it that might be disturbing. A few more days passed and he did it again. It only happened about once every 4-6 days. Everything else was normal, or so I thought. I took him to the vet to make sure there was nothing physically wrong with him. She suggested using one of those plug in pheromone releasing things. The first week passed with no accidents so I became hopeful. Day ten arrived and he let me know it wasn’t working. This time, instead of pooping just beside the litter box, he pooped right next to where the pheromone thing was plugged in. Message received. I called the vet to let her know my cat’s displeasure with pheromone therapy. She called in Prozac for him. [Please don’t judge if you happen to be against this sort of thing.] It totally worked. I also noticed him perking up more. Only then did I realize how much he had been just laying around and not playing. My cat had been depressed! Clinically depressed that I was never home! Still, that wasn’t enough to slow me down.
I pushed forward with all my responsibilities and with dance lessons all the while trying to maintain a solid relationship with my husband long distance. I thought I was doing a pretty good job at it too. However, each time my husband came to Vegas it felt like he was left on his own more and more. I had more and more “tasks” for him to do while I was off keeping up with all of my responsibilities. Each time I went to France I spent more and more time on my computer with schedules, on my phone with emails or texts, and getting up in the middle of the night for zoom meetings. I was never really “off work”.
The final straw
What finally happened? There was that final straw that broke the camel’s back. There was an “AHA moment” so big it couldn’t be ignored. A slap in the face, if you will. I want to keep it in general terms. Basically, I found out through a round-a-bout way that I had been removed from a certain group of people who covered certain types of cases at a specific place. Well, I say round-a-bout, but maybe it was more in-your-face. I received an email to sign resigning my credentials at this place. Credentials that I had just, 3 months earlier, been asked to reapply for. Now, let’s just be clear, it wasn’t the being removed from this group or the place that I was upset about. I had more than enough things on my plate to keep me busy. What really bothered me was that I had no knowledge of this being about to happen. Being on so many committees, I would have thought I would have heard something about it, be it a personality issue, a numbers thing, a surgeon preference thing, a contract thing, etc. When I asked the source of the email I was told “it was Admin who decided”. So I asked “Admin”. I was told ‘it was a numbers thing’, that only so many people would be allowed to go to this place. So I asked how it was decided who would stay and who would be removed. I was told “we had to make a decision, and I thought I remembered you said you didn’t like going”. Of course, I was upset. Of course, I expressed my displeasure. In the end, nothing I had to say would have made a difference.
It was in that moment that the weight of everything I had been doing, and had strived to do so well, came crashing down on me. Why was I spending all my free time going to meetings for committees that, in the end, really didn’t matter if decisions can just as easily be made behind closed doors? I realized that I wasn’t making a difference, I was just filling a spot. I felt hurt and betrayed and that all I had been doing was basically a waste of my own time. Luckily, I was leaving on vacation the next day. This time I did turn off all the messages and emails from work. I spent time with French Charming enjoying sight seeing during the day and wine on the rooftop terrace of the Airbnb in the evenings.
One of those evenings, wine in hand, I received a text message regarding locums. For those of you who may not know, locums is temporary work for medical professionals. For example, say a group of anesthesiologists in a community hospital had someone fall ill and that person needed to be off for 6 months. If the group couldn’t cover the gap themselves they might hire a locums person for the 6 months. The locums person doesn’t receive benefits etc, knows the time frame of the job, and the partner comes back into their own position at the end of the contract. I had thought about doing locums years before when I wanted to start spending more time with French Charming. I had been talked out of it and was able to rearrange my schedule. However, this time, when receiving the message, I really “RECEIVED THE MESSAGE”! Maybe it was time for a change. Maybe I needed to think about what was best for me and my marriage. I spent the rest of the vacation talking with my husband about the possibilities.
Why are we so afraid of change?
Deciding to quit a full time job with benefits and go solo is a very big decision. We have been programed, especially once in medical school, to strive for the career, to get partnership, and……then what? I guess, to just do that until you retire or die? I mean, we all talk about retirement. We talk about how much money it takes to retire. Financial advisors can tell you how much you need based on your spending and lifestyle. To me, it always seemed a bit nebulous. I just knew I didn’t want to be like some colleagues I’ve encountered over the years, still trying to work when their bodies are giving out and their energy is waning. I didn’t want to be that person who felt that life was over if they weren’t practicing medicine. So how did I decide to take that leap?
I sat down with pencil and paper and calculated my known expenses. I added in figurative expenses, and I added a cushion to set aside every month. I subtracted the expenses I would no longer have. I calculated how much I would need to work at a locums hourly rate to achieve my desired estimated yearly income. I also called my financial advisor and told him my vision and explained how I planned to make it happen. Once I got his blessing, the rest started to fall into place.
Is quitting the same as failing?
Giving notice of resignation is always something that stresses people out. Maybe we are afraid of disappointing our superiors. Maybe we are afraid of putting change into motion. Maybe we are afraid of the security we have established. Maybe we are afraid of the reaction or, worse, no reaction. Maybe it is because resigning feels like quitting and we’ve been so programmed to equate quitting with failing. We’ve thought about it a thousand times but once you put it in writing and give it or send it to someone, it is real.
I knew, without a doubt I was going to give my notice of resignation, I just wasn’t sure when. I had already planned for all the change to happen during the holidays at the end of the year. Since I had to give ninety days, I had more than enough time to prepare. I remember I was having a rough day, and that was the day I called my financial advisor. Hearing him say “I don’t know what you are waiting for” was exactly what I needed. I wrote my resignation, simple and to the point, no sorries, no excuses, no requests. I simply stated I was giving my notice, which day would be my last day (much more than 90 days out), and thanking them for the opportunity. Once I hit send, I was overcome with relief and anxiety at the same time. Relief that I did it. Anxiety waiting for the reactions.
In the minutes, hours, weeks that followed I was hit with just about every possible reaction you could imagine. The first call I got was from the chief but I couldn’t answer at the time. The next call I got was from a colleague who sat on a few of the same committees as me. I will never forget his first question, “Did you win the lottery?”, followed by “Did a relative die and leave you a big inheritance?”. Interpreted, his questions really were asking “how can you afford to quit?”. Yes, I was appalled, but I remained calm. This colleague went on to tell me that they had been meaning to call me regarding my behavior recently. When pressed about what specific incident, he referred to something that had happened over a month ago. The conversation on his end continued with pointing out problems with me and my behavior which I stopped by saying “well, now you don’t have to have that talk with me because I’m leaving”. He then tried to turn it around and fein happiness for me. I had many of the “I’m sorry to hear that but wish you the best” comments from most of my colleagues in admin positions. I even had a few that just flat out refused to speak to me again. I believe some may have thought I would change my mind before the final day.
One of my closest friends gave me the “I’m so glad! You’ve been miserable for more than a year!” comment. She reminded me of how my phone was always going off during our last couple visits together. Your best friends want to support your decisions but they will also tell you the truth. I knew I was making the right decision. Things were falling into place easily. I had gotten the paperwork rolling on a few locums jobs. The lease on my car was up in December so I didn’t have to worry about paying if off or being penalized for an early return. I rented my house to a great friend who just happened to be looking to move at the end of the year. Everyone I cared about supported my decision.
Was it sad when the last day arrived? No. Honestly, I didn’t have tons of time to think about it. I had to ship the items I wanted to keep to France at the end of November and sell or donate the rest. I had to prepare for a dance competition just before I left in December. From November through December I lived like a poor college student with a couple pieces of lawn furniture in my living room! My husband took time off to come help with the move. We had the cats to bring with us too along with their giant Litter Robot! Moving day we looked like gypsies going to the airport! There were 4 mismatched suitcases, tote bags, a giant box with the Litter Robot, the giant kennel so the cats could be together in the plane, and the cats in their soft backpack carriers. Everyone and everything arrived intact. Well, the box that the litter robot had been in was destroyed. We suspected that the litter we packed in the one-liter zip lock bags might have looked suspicious going through x-ray.
It’s September now, so I have well passed the six-month mark already. I am 100% happy with my decisions. I have redefined my idea of success. Am I done redefining? No. I’m still new at this new type of life and I’m still learning what I want and what I don’t want. The best part is that I can state my terms when negotiating a job, and I can change my mind as I learn more. For those of you who have read my blog and know about some of my struggles, you know my road to success was in no way straight or easy. I took lots of detours and got off course quite a bit. I always stayed motivated to achieve success, I just didn’t know that I was allowed to change my definition of success along the way.
I really have to thank Dr. Dawn Baker for getting me motivated to write again. Dawn is a physician, author, speaker, lifestyle design coach, yoga and meditation instructor and she hosts a podcast Lean Out https://practicebalance.com/podcast/, a blog https://practicebalance.com/blog/ , and is the author of a book, “Lean Out: A Professional Woman’s Guide to Finding Authentic Work-Life Balance https://amzn.to/41dRgv1. We met at my last job but have only really gotten to know more about each other after she asked to interview me for her podcast. I’ll include the link to the interview, but please check out her other interviews as well. https://practicebalance.com/2025/09/lean-out-podcast-france-with-kelly-katcher/
What is Success to You?
Have any of you had to make life altering decisions to reach success? Are you battling making those decisions right now? Have you had to let go of past ideas of what your life was supposed to look like? Let me know what kinds of crossroads you have had. What or who helped you make decisions ? Do you currently need help making decisions? Please write in the comments.
Finding French Charming 